


Favorite

by Irmelin



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-19
Updated: 2017-03-09
Packaged: 2018-09-25 14:22:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,299
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9824381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Irmelin/pseuds/Irmelin
Summary: Alaska has better things to do than to divide the hours of the last few tours she’s been on and add them up in different columns; the ones she spent on a plane, in a bus, on stage, backstage, waiting in airports. But if she did, she’s fairly sure a quite substantial amount of the hours would have to be put in the column titled In Hotel Rooms With Katya.





	1. Chapter 1

Alaska has better things to do than to divide the hours of the last few tours she’s been on and add them up in different columns; the ones she spent on a plane, in a bus, on stage, backstage, waiting in airports. But if she did, she’s fairly sure a quite substantial amount of the hours would have to be put in the column titled In Hotel Rooms With Katya. 

She’s not quite sure when it began. Dates and cities have all started to blur into each other by now. But she remembers the smell of the club they were in, the usual blend of stale wine and sweat, mixed together with the heady scent of Detox’s perfume, which always linger, even when Detox is out of drag. She remembers not listening to the drunken half shouted discussion Jinkx and Detox were having about the sexualities of a group of men in the corner of the room, instead calculating how many steps she would have to take over the sticky floor to get to the bar, how many seconds it would take her to order a drink, how many seconds it would take her to drink it, and if she could stop after the first one. And she’s watched the back door leading out to the alley behind the club long enough to figure out that the steady trickle of people in and out aren’t just people going out for fresh air. Something is being sold out back. She’s just about managed to talk herself into investigate it further, when she feels a hand on her arm, and the faint whiff of cigarette smoke by her side. 

”This place sucks,” Katya says in her ear, her voice raised to be heard above the throbbing base line of the music. ”I’m going back to the hotel to watch Game of Thrones. You look dead on your feet. Come with me.” It doesn’t exactly sound like a question, and when Alaska turns to look at her, Katya just gives her a tiny smile. 

Alaska wants to leave and doesn’t want to leave at the same time. There is a tightness in her chest and she concentrates on the feeling of Katya’s fingers against her arm. 

”I don’t watch Game of Thrones”, she says. 

”Excellent!” Katya says, grinning at her. ”That gives me the excuse to watch it from the beginning again.” Her hand moves downward to grab hold of Alaska’s hand instead, and with her free hand she taps Detox on the shoulder, leaning in to speak to her when Detox turns around. Detox looks from Katya to Alaska and back again, nodding. 

Alaska suddenly feels like a kid, with adults making decisions over her head. 

”I am fine,” she says, mostly to herself, but somehow both Katya and Detox manage to hear her. 

”Leave while you can,” Detox says, a desperate edge to her voice. ”I’d much rather be in bed than here. But someone has to look after the children.” She gestures to Jinkx and Violet and… ”Where the fuck did Adore go?” 

As Detox starts looking around for the missing Adore, Katya pulls on Alaska’s hand. 

”Please?” she says, looking pleadingly at Alaska. ”Don’t make me be the only tired and boring one.”

Alaska rolls her eyes and nods, and lets herself be led out of the club. Once outside, as they’re walking back to the hotel, Katya rambling about everything and nothing, she takes a deep breath, and feels the tightness in her chest start to dissolve. 

_(”How did you know?” she asks Katya weeks later, when she’s finally admitted to herself what she had been about to do to._

_”I didn’t,” Katya says, shaking her head. They’re sitting opposite each other on Katya’s hotel bed, Alaska helping her mend a skirt she ripped on stage earlier that night. How Katya doesn’t rip more clothes with the kind of shit she does on stage, Alaska will never know. ”I would never presume something like that about you. I don’t know what your struggle looks like. But you looked unhappy, and why stay somewhere where you’re not happy.” Katya frowns for a moment before smiling brightly. ”See, that sounds like it’s about life in general and not just about getting out of a shitty club. That’s why people think I’m deep.”_

_”The only thing about you people think is deep is your…” Alaska doesn’t even get the last word out before Katya starts kicking her, and she has to kick back in retribution. ”But thanks, anyway”, she says, once Katya stops complaining about a non-existent bruise._

_Katya looks up at her without a smile. ”Anytime.”)_

Turns out, Katya was serious about introducing Alaska to Game of Thrones. Ignoring Alaska’s objections that she has neither the time nor the interest to start watching a fantasy show going on who knows how many season, she pats the empty side of the double bed invitingly, the laptop already on her knees. 

”Trust me, you won’t be able to resist it,” she says.

”But that’s the thing, Katya,” she says, deliberately mispronouncing the name, just because she likes the face Katya always pulls when she does, ”I don’t trust you.” But even as she says it, she’s kicking her shoes off and sitting down on the bed next to Katya. She grabs two pillows, stacks them against the headboard, leans back and sighs deeply. 

Katya ignores her and presses play, angling the laptop so they both can see the screen. ”I’ll prove you wrong.”

Fifteen minutes later, Alaska is not convinced. And trying to make sense of what’s happening is not made easier by Katya trying to explain the relations of the various characters showing up. Alaska has to physically restrain her from rising from the bed to get a notepad and start drawing out family trees. She’s still holding onto Katya’s elbow when a redhead finally grabs her attention. 

”Oh, he’s hot, though,” she says, and Katya winces.

”Yeah, I wouldn’t get too attached to him. Actually, don’t get too attached to anyone, that’s probably safest. Most of them will be dead by the third season.”

”Then what’s the point?” Alaska asks plaintively.

”The point is the political intrigue, and the incest, and the deviousness and the awesome women, and oh, did I mention the incest.” Katya keeps talking, but Alaska only listens with half an ear, sinks deeper into the pillows and yawns. 

”I can see where your fashion inspiration comes from,” she mumbles, startling when Katya screams with laughter. She falls asleep before the end of the second episode, Katya’s running commentary lulling her to sleep.

When she wakes up, Katya is sleeping beside her, mumbling something about financial statements, the laptop still next to her. Alaska watches her for a moment, and then she carefully gets out of bed. She puts the laptop on the bedside table, and pulls the cover up over Katya’s shoulders before quietly closing the door behind her to go back to her own room. It isn’t until she goes into the bathroom to brush her teeth that she notices she’s smiling.


	2. Chapter 2

It’s just easier, somehow, spending her nights in Katya’s room, which surprises her. Normally she doesn’t like company that much, and has always craved alone time, but for some reason, Katya doesn’t tire her out, the way other people sometimes do. Maybe it’s because Katya doesn’t really seem to expect anything from her in return, and seems perfectly content with talking to Alaska even if Alaska doesn’t always talk back. She does most of the time though, because a) she’s not rude and b) Katya’s smart, and fun, and interesting. And ridiculously easy to amuse, which is gratifying. Alaska’s never really felt the need to impress people once she’s out of drag. On stage is a different matter entirely. But in private she’s mostly been content with letting people take her as they find her. There’s something about Katya though that makes Alaska try a little bit harder, to make Katya laugh, to make her think, to disagree or agree or argue or change her mind.

She used to be a bit wary of Katya, not at first, not until she walked into the workroom on All Stars and saw the bright red flare that was Katya, her smile impossibly bright. She didn’t quite understand why. She knew Katya was popular, of course, it was impossible to miss the tidal wave of love she’d received from the audience, but there was something else. Katya was a threat to her, to Alaska, in a way Adore and Alyssa weren’t, despite their popularity with the fans. It wasn’t until the All Stars reunion that it clicked, and by then she had her crown, and any lingering feeling of resentment had long since disappeared. It was something Ru said, when she pointed out that Alaska and Katya had a similar point of view and wondered if Alaska ever wished she thought of stuff Katya’d done first. She joked it away then, but it stuck with her, that maybe it was all because they were too similar, that maybe she’d been afraid of them canceling each other out.

_(”No, I totally get it,” Katya says, when Alaska confesses her initial feelings much, much later. ”When you walked in the work room, there was a split second when I hated you. I was so excited, because you were my favorite Ru girl ever, but at the same time I hated you. Because I knew I wasn’t going to win. Anyone else, I genuinely felt I had a chance against, but not you.)_

She realizes quickly that spending time with Katya means spending almost as much time with Trixie. She’s in Katya’s hotel room once again, still in make up from the show, still even in her wig, too tired to be bothered. Katya’s in the bathroom and Alaska is looking through twitter on her phone when Katya’s phone suddenly lights up on the bedside table. She can hear the shower still running, so she picks up the phone and sees an incoming video call from Tracy Martel. Smiling, she hits reply.

”Hiiieee,” she says when Trixie’s face shows up on screen. It’s always a bit jarring to see Trixie out of drag and she always needs a second to connect the pink cupcake fantasy with the down to earth looking man she’s now looking at.

Trixie looks surprised for a second and then she widens her eyes dramatically.

”Oh my God,” she says, ”has it finally happened? Have you finally had enough of Katya and killed her and stuffed her body under the hotel bed?”

”It was bound to happen,” Alaska agrees with a shrug. ”I put her body in the shower, though, figured it would help with clean up.”

Trixie nods. ”That’s very true. That’s why we consider you the clever one.” She smiles brightly. ”Actually, you’ll be much more helpful than Katya, because you actually have style.”

”Thank you,” Alaska says drily, as Trixie disappears from the screen. ”That is so flattering, coming from you.”

”Bitch, you only wish you looked this good.” Trixie shouts from a distance. ”Hang on, I’m changing.”

”Off camera? Tease!”

Something very pink fills the screen, and there is the unmistakable blurry images of someone trying to figure out how to lean the phone against something. Then the pink moves backwards and Alaska is greeted with the sight of Trixie in a pink nightie adorned with about seventeen different pieces of ruffles and lace.

”Oh,” she says, for lack of words.

”It’s just too much, right?” Trixie says, twirling.

It is. Even without, or perhaps because of the lack of, Trixie’s hair and make-up, she looks like a toddler pageant gone horribly, horribly wrong. 

”Remember Coco Montrese in that pink runway challenge we had on our season?” she asks, and mirrors the dismayed face Trixie makes when she abruptly stops twirling.

”Bit too much pedophiliac’s wet dream?”

”Just missing the lollipop.”

Trixie sighs. ”Yeah, I figured. Fuck, online shopping disappoints yet again.”

The door to the bathroom opens and Katya comes out, wearing only a towel around her waist. Alaska isn’t quite sure when she’d started paying more attention to how attractive Katya is out of drag. By now she mostly acknowledges it and moves on. She turns back to Trixie.

”Want a second opinion?” She holds up the phone toward Katya, who instantly lights up at the sight of Trixie and then looks aghast.

”What the fuck kind of toddler and tiaras hot pink princess nightmare is that?”

”Fuck off,” Trixie says. ”You’re late to the mocking party, and your opinion is invalid. I’m going to change so I don’t offend your delicate sensibilities.” She disappears off screen again, and Katya sits down on the bed and looks at Alaska with a frown.

”She keeps doing that off camera. She’s obviously got something to hide.”

”Heard you, bitch!” Trixie shouts.

Alaska leans against Katya’s shoulder, yawning. ”Does she often ask you for fashion advice? Because that makes absolutely no sense.”

”How dare you?” Katya says without any heat. ”I am a woman of grace and dignity with an immaculate sense of fashion and style.” She pets Alaska’s hair. ”Anytime you need some tips, you just let me know.”

Trixie comes back on screen, and looks momentarily surprised at the sight of the two of them together, before smiling wickedly.

”You know what you two look like? The blurry picture of a magazine article from the 80s, about the high school loner who somehow managed to get a date with the prom queen, and this is the one picture of them together before he killed her and buried her body in the woods, keeping her hair in a shoe box under his bed. To jerk off in.”

Katya turns to Alaska with a crooked smile and slightly crossed eyes. ”The voices made me do it, Mother. The little voices that live under the trees.”

As Trixie screeches with laughter, Alaska sighs and shakes her head. ”I can’t with you two right now,” she says handing the phone to Katya, and finally removing her wig. ”I’m using your shower,” she informs Katya. She might as well, she hasn’t even bothered figuring out where her own room is, so her suitcase is in here.

”Mi shower es su shower,” Katya says grandly. ”Shut up, I don’t remember the Spanish word for shower,” she complains when Trixie laughs even harder.

Alaska drops her wig in Katya's lap. "For your shoe box," she says sweetly, and is followed into the bathroom by the howls of laughter from the other two.

She stands in the shower for what feels like half an eternity and then stands in front of the mirror, carefully removing the remaining traces of make up from her face. And still, when she leaves the bathroom, Katya is only just saying goodbye to Trixie.

”How are you two not married already?” she asks, once Trixie’s hung up.

”We’re waiting until Trixie gets on All Stars 3,” Katya says, getting up from the bed. She starts rummaging around in her suitcase for something, probably her phone charger, which she can never seem to find. They practically have shared custody of Alaska’s charger by now. ”We figure that if she breaks the news of our engagement in the first episode, the producers will make sure she’ll be there for the finale, so that we can get married on the main stage, and Trixie will cry and Ru will cry and I won’t, obviously, because I’m dead inside, but it’ll be beautiful nonetheless.”

Alaska is ashamed to admit that it takes her a second to realize that Katya isn’t serious.

”Well, I wouldn’t know anything about taking advantage of a relationship to win favors on a reality show,” she says drily, and Katya turns to look at her sharply. Alaska smirks, to signal that she’s joking. Mostly.

Katya leaves her suitcase and climbs up on the bed again.

”And now you’re in the hall of fame, so who the fuck cares about the past,” she says, nudging Alaska’s shoulder with her own. ”Can I please borrow your charger, mama?”

Alaska wordlessly disconnects the charger from own her phone and holds out her hand for Katya’s. Katya gives her the phone with a bright smile, and a loud kiss on the cheek.

”I’ve always said you were my favorite!”

So she continues, spending her nights with Katya. Sometimes she goes back to her own hotel room, sometimes she falls asleep. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night, just like that first time, and quietly slips out of the room. Sometimes she wakes up in the middle of the night and thinks about going back to her own silent, empty room, only to find that she has no idea what she might do when she gets back there, and so instead she stays, the sound of Katya breathing and her occasional mumbling strangely calming.

(Over time it changes, to a point where she wakes up and knows that she could go back to her own bed, that it would be fine, but that she just doesn’t want to leave. But the shift is so gradual that she doesn’t realize it until much, much later.)

And sometimes she sleeps through the night, only waking when Katya does.


	3. Chapter 3

She gets used to it, spending time with Katya, to the point where she feels a little bit lost when she’ doesn’t. It’s not so bad when she’s at home, with familiar people and familiar places that provide a safety net. But every new hotel room in an unfamiliar city feels claustrophobic when she doesn’t have the option of walking a few doors down to another room and welcome company. It’s easier to slip and fall when you don’t have anyone to hold on to. It’s a relief almost, that the whole All Stars circus is followed by a few BOTS shows and then the Christmas Queens tour. She knows it’s hardly healthy though, to shift her dependence from one thing to another. So she tries to make it back to her own room most nights, instead of falling asleep in Katya’s bed. It isn’t until one night, when she’s making her excuses, and Katya’s voice stops her, that she realizes that maybe Katya is just as dependent on her as she is on Katya. 

”Could you stay?” Katya asks, just as Alaska is about to open the door. ”Just… Brenda is being really fucking vicious tonight,” she continues when Alaska turns around to look at her. ”I don’t like to ask, but…” she trails off and shrugs, looking embarrassed. 

”Why?” Alaska asks in disbelief. She crosses the floor and sits down on the edge of the bed, not grabbing Katya’s hand, even though she kind of wants to. ”Why wouldn’t you ask?”

Katya’s smile is slightly wobbly. ”I’m really terrified that you’ll get annoyed with me.”

”Oh god, Katya, I am so frequently annoyed with you,” Alaska says, and she must have managed to find the right tone of voice, because Katya bursts out in a laugh. ”But never because of something like this.”

If they wake up with Alaska’s arm wrapped around Katya, wrinkles from Alaska’s t-shirt pressed into Katya’s cheek, neither of them mention it. But after that, she doesn’t even pretend to want to go back to her own room anymore.

She’s rehearsing Read U Wrote U with Katya and Detox, and they’ve figured out that if they just do twenty seconds of synchronized choreography, it’ll make up for the rest of the number being improvised depending on mood, venue and audience. 

”I have a question,” Katya says, once they’ve given up and are sitting on the floor, and raises her hand, as if in school. 

”Yes, miss Zamolodchikova?” Alaska says, and Katya grins. 

”Will Roxxy murder us in our sleep for mocking her verse like this?” 

Detox snorts. ”No, she won’t mind. We made fun of her part of Can I Get an Amen for two years, she was fine with it.”

”Where my people at? Where my people at?” Alaska sings off-tune, raising her arms.

”You are both horrible people,” Katya declares. 

Alaska looks at her pointedly. ”Well, you’re the one who kept wanting to send her home on All Stars, so if there’s anyone she has a reason to hate…” she says, and Katya sighs. 

”Well, I couldn’t send Detox home,” she says plaintively, ”because she lent me her lipstick.”

Alaska narrows her eyes as Detox cackles. 

”And I couldn’t send you home,” Katya says to Alaska, smiling sweetly, ”because you’re my favorite.” 

Detox gags and Katya looks imploringly at Alaska until Alaska cracks a smile. 

”Lucky for Roxxy I’m the worst lipsyncer in Drag Race herstory,” Katya continues with a pitiful sigh. 

”Not the worst,” Alaska allows. ”You were just up against the best.” She holds out her hand, and Detox slaps it. 

Manila and Phi Phi join them for lunch, which they have right there on the floor, because why the hell not. As she finishes eating, Katya almost absentmindedly stretches her leg over her head. Alaska hates her a little for it.

”With cooter-slam enabled hip joints stolen from the living body of Katya Zamolodchikova”, Manila says in a robotic voice, causing Katya to choke on her water. 

”What? What?” she manages to get out between coughs. ”What was that?”

”You know, from Alaska’s song,” Manila says, taking the bottle of water from Katya’s hand to avoid her spilling it all over the floor. 

Katya turns sharply to Alaska. ”No it isn’t. I’ve listened to your songs.”

”It’s from Slaytina,” Phi Phi says when Alaska doesn’t answer. 

Katya frowns. ”No, I’ve definitely heard that one.”

Alaska remains silent. She feels a strange kind of mix of pleasure and embarrassment hearing the others discuss her songs. As Manila is searching for the song on her phone, Katya leans over to Alaska. 

”I really have listened to your albums, Barbara,” she says, batting her eyelashes. ”I know all the words to It Is What It Is.”

”No, we can no longer be friends,” Alaska says drily. ”My true friends know the words to all my songs.”

As the music suddenly blares from Manila’s phone Alaska squirms. She’s not wild about listening to herself, at least not with other people around. 

”Look, do we have to…” her voice is cut off by Katya putting her hand over Alaska’s mouth. 

”Hush! I’m listening.”

The temptation to lick Katya’s palm is so strong. But, well, it’s Katya. She doesn’t know where that hand has been. So she remains obediently silent as they listen, instead watching the frown lines appear on Katya’s forehead as she’s concentrating on the lyrics, only barely noticing Detox pouting her lips, and Phi Phi showing off her teeth when their names are mentioned. When Katya hears her own name, she starts laughing, and Alaska gives in to temptation, licking a broad stripe across Katya’s palm, tasting salt. 

”Disgusting!” Katya declares as she pulls her hand away, wiping it on her shorts. ”And I have heard the song. But there is a slight possibility I maybe didn’t pay attention to the lyrics. Clearly, it was my loss.”

Alaska nods benevolently. 

”That said,” Katya continues, ”should I be concerned? That whole thing about stealing my hip joints from my living body raises some questions.” She stretches her legs out in front of her. ”Without these hip joints, I am nothing, mama.”

Alaska raises herself to her knees and straddles Katya’s thighs. She knows it’s a bad decision the second she does it, because she didn’t count on the way Katya’s breath hitches, or the way her own body reacts to the proximity. But she still caresses Katya’s hips gently, leaning forward slightly. 

”But I’d be so gentle,” she says softly, moving one hand up towards Katya’s chest. ”You wouldn’t feel a thing.” 

Katya’s eyes widen a fraction, and Alaska wants nothing more than to give in to temptation again, but she suddenly remembers that there are three other pairs of eyes in the room, so she leans backward and smiles brightly. 

”Lunchbreak over!”

_(She replays the moment in her head so many times that after a while she’s not sure what actually happened and what her subconscious added in afterward. Could she actually feel Katya harden under her, or was she not close enough for that to be possible? Did she see Katya’s tongue dart out to lick her lips, or is that wishful thinking? Did Katya’s hand tremble slightly when Alaska took it to help her up from the floor?_

_”Yes, yes and yes,” Katya says when Alaska asks her in a weak moment, though she’s probably as unreliable a narrator as Alaska is. But then again, it hardly matters anymore.)_

Katya swears loudly in Russian. She’s sitting on the bed, legs bent, a wig stretched over her knee  
and she is trying to untangle the knots in it. 

”What the fuck did you do to that poor thing?” Alaska asks.

”Nothing out of the ordinary,” Katya says, pulling the comb through with so much force it makes Alaska wince. 

”So you could have dragged it across the stage and dipped it in Red Bull and cigarette ash for all I know?” 

Katya looks stricken. ”Is that not part of everyone’s daily hair care routine?” she asks, her eyes wide. 

Alaska sits down crosslegged in front of Katya. She grabs the comb from Katya’s hand and pulls Katya’s knee with the wig on closer to herself. ”Also, you know you’ll ruin the shape of it by having it on your knee like that.” 

Katya smirks. ”Yeah, but that’s the beauty of being me. I can get away with wigs looking like they’ve been flushed down the toilet. It’s all about choices. You chose the gorgeous alien princess, I went with the Russian bisexual transvestite whore.” She watches Alaska carefully combing through small portions of hair. ”That’ll take you ages, don’t even bother with it.”

”So impatient,” Alaska chides. ”Sharon is exactly the same. I used to do this for her all the time.”

”That’s what you get for sleeping with another queen,” Katya says. ”Double the maintenance.”

Alaska looks at her for a moment. ”Have you ever done that, though?”

”Have I ever done what? You’re going to have to narrow that down quite a bit.”

”Slept with another queen. Actually, in the name of narrowing it down, another Ru girl.”

Katya cocks her head to the side. ”Have you? Apart from Sharon of course?”

”I asked you first,” Alaska protests. 

”Then it’s only fair that you should answer first too, isn’t it?”

”Fine.” She concentrates on a particularly nasty tangle in the wig while Katya waits patiently. 

”There’s been a few.”

Katya gasps in mock horror. ”A few? And here I thought you were the absolute paragon of virtue!”

Alaska snorts. ”Right.”

Katya pokes her in the thigh with one of her toes. ”So? Tell me who.”

”Nope,” Alaska says loftily. ”Wouldn’t want to ruin your image of me.”

Katya pokes her harder. ”Please, Mother, I’ll be ever so nice if you tell me the sordid details of your sexual affairs.”

”You know, that voice is really creepy.”

”Everyone always tells me so, Mother,” she continues in the same voice and grins. ”That’s why I like it.” 

Alaska focuses on the wig, instead of looking at Katya. ”There was one time with Jinkxy. Which was lovely, and then it was extremely fucking awkward for quite some time.”

”Oh,” is all Katya says. 

”We’re fine now though, I think we’re just pretending it never happened.” It just seems easier.   
She abandons the comb and starts working through the worst tangles with her fingers. 

”Adore, a few times.” She hesitates before mentioning this, because it’s not a fond memory. ”That should just have been fun, which I guess it was, for a while, but it was actually shit, because she was really messed up at the time, and I didn’t realize until it was too late.” Too late for her, actually. Adore seemed to bounce back a lot faster than Alaska did. 

”That’s not on you though, you know that,” Katya says gently, and Alaska forces herself to look up. 

”I guess,” she says. ”Still feels like shit, though.”

”You don’t have to tell me this, if you don’t want to,” Katya says. 

”No, it’s fine. No one knows though, so…”

”I won’t tell.”

Alaska nods. She’s quiet for a while, trying not to remember sitting naked outside a bathroom door, listening to Adore hurling and crying inside, without being able to do anything about it. Katya starts braiding a section of hair on the other side of the wig, her fingers occasionally brushing against Alaska’s. It’s utterly unhelpful but she appreciates the gesture. 

”And then there was Willam and Courtney.”

Katya nods, and then her eyes widen. ”Wait, Willam and Courtney? At the same time?”

”Yes gawd,” Alaska says in her best Laganja impression, and can’t help to feel a bit smug when she sees the look on Katya’s face. 

”You absolute whore!” Katya exclaims, with a delighted grin and slaps Alaska’s leg hard enough to make her flinch. ”Was it hot? I bet it was hot.”

Above all it had been fun, which had surprised Alaska, but yeah it’d been pretty damn hot too. 

”I don’t kiss and tell,” she says innocently and Katya narrows her eyes. 

”If you don’t, I’ll ask Willam. She’ll definitely tell. Do you really want me to hear her version instead of yours?” 

She really doesn’t. ”It was hot,” she admits. ”I mean, it was in the middle of summer in Australia, so it was bound to be.” She’s not really sure how it happened. Somehow it just seemed like the thing to do in Australia. At least that was what Courtney said. 

”Tease,” Katya says, but doesn’t press the issue. 

”And that’s it!” Alaska says. ”That’s my little black book of Ru girls. Now, tell me yours.”

”It’s a very thin book,” Katya says, holding up her thumb and index finger with the tiniest of gap between them. ”One page, barely worth the publishing fee.”

”Seriously?”

”Unlike some people, I don’t shit where I eat.”

Alaska wrinkles her nose in revulsion. ”I did not ask what you did in bed, just who you did it with.”

”You disgusting cunt,” Katya screeches, but breaks out laughing the second after. ”You know what I mean.”

Alaska sticks her tongue out, giggling when Katya does the same in return. 

”So,” she says. ”Who was it, who was the chosen one that made Katya Zamolodchikova break her principles and sleep with a mortal queen?”

Katya leans back against the headboard, looking smug. ”Guess.” 

”That’s not fair!” Alaska whines. ”I didn’t make you guess.” 

”Wouldn’t have been much point in that, would it? I could have pretty much said any name, and I’d been right.” Her voice is teasing, and she’s poking Alaska in the thigh with her toes again. ”Come on, it’ll be fun.” 

Alaska studies Katya in silence for a minute. ”There is an obvious answer, of course,” she says finally. 

Katya nods. 

”And if the obvious answer was true, I don’t think you would have made me guess.”

”I always said you were smart.” 

”So it’s not Tempest DuJour?” 

Katya screams with laughter. 

”How did you know? We’ve been having an illicit affair since the first time I saw her in the work room. Ours is a forbidden but delicious love.” 

”So,” Alaska says, once Katya calms down. ”Not Trixie?”

”Not Trixie,” Katya confirms. 

Alaska bites her lip, pondering her next choice, but she can’t let this go, not when it’s finally up for discussion. ”Why not?”

Katya blinks. ”Why haven’t Trixie and I had sex?”

”Yes! You’re basically married already.”

”I suppose,” Katya says. ”We’ve made out, which was amazing. And I love her, so freaking much. We’ve even talked about it, which was very mature of us. It just wouldn’t work. She wants a husband and kids and that whole thing. I could never give her that.” She smiles quickly and picks up the wig that’s been forgotten, smoothing down a few stray strands of hair. ”Guess again.” It’s obvious she wants to steer the conversation in a another direction, but Alaska’ll let her. For now. 

”Phi Phi,” she says. 

”No.” Katya looks surprised. ”Why would you think that?” 

She honestly can’t believe Katya is this oblivious. ”She is so into you.” That had been clear from the minute they walked into the work room on All Stars.

Katya scrunches up her face in a manner that is almost adorable, if Alaska was the type of person to find things adorable. ”Really?” 

”How are you this blind? Yes!” 

”Really?” Katya says again, looking intrigued. ”She’s very attractive.”

Alaska shrugs. ”She’s only a few doors away, if you want to give it a try.”

Katya ponders this, a little too seriously for Alaska’s liking. ”I’ll keep that in mind,” she says. ”Guess again.”

”Give me a clue.”

”It’s someone from my season,” Katya says. ”There are only a couple left to choose from.”

Alaska goes over the queens from season seven in her head, and oh, of course. It’s obvious really.

”Violet Chachki,” she says, certain that she’s right. Violet talks a little bit too much about fucking Katya for it not to at least be based in reality. 

Katya just nods, almost looking a little embarrassed, and Alaska grins. 

”Look at you,” she drawls. ”Blushing and everything.” Now it’s her turn to poke Katya with her toes. ”When did this happen?”

”First time was the night of the season finale,” Katya says, ignoring Alaska’s ”First time?” She smiles fondly. ”She was so fucking pissed at me for that stunt Ru pulled, when she called out my name.”

”I would have strangled you on the spot,” Alaska says. She remembers all too well how highly strung she had been at the season five finale. If Ru had called Detox’ name, she would not only have strangled Detox, but Ru Paul herself.

”I think she was tempted to,” Katya says. ”But she cursed at me for about five minutes, and then, she dragged med into the bathroom, and well…” She grins. ”But apparently we’re not going into details tonight.”

”Bitch,” Alaska mutters, but she’s not letting her off the hook this easily. ”But you said first time. How many times have there been?”

”I don’t know, a few? When we happen to be in the same place at the same time, and haven’t anything, or anyone, better to do.” Katya shrugs and starts braiding the wig again. ”Violet’s good at getting what she wants, and for some weird reason, every so often that seems to be me.”

”It’s not that weird,” Alaska can’t stop herself from saying, because it’s anything but. ”You can say a lot of things about Violet, but there’s a reason no one ever questions her taste.” She can feel herself blushing when Katya looks up at her sharply, but she has no idea where to go from here. So she grabs the wig from Katya and and picks up the comb again. ”Now let me tell you a thing or two about proper wig care.”


	4. Chapter 4

Alaska slightly regrets pointing out Phi Phi’s obvious crush the next morning when she watches Katya flirt with Phi Phi over breakfast. It’s amusing only because of how obviously flustered it’s making Phi Phi. She doesn’t look up when Detox sits down next to her. 

”Something you want to talk about?” Detox asks after regarding the scene quietly for a few minutes. 

”No,” Alaska says shortly, as Phi Phi reacts to something Katya says by knocking over her coffee. 

”Okay, then,” Detox says mildly and they watch Phi Phi trying to help a hysterically laughing Katya wipe coffee of her t-shirt in silence.

”Sorry,” Alaska says then. ”I just… I think I’m coming down with something, it’s really annoying.” It’s true, she woke up tired, with a headache and a sore throat. She thought tea would help, but it hasn’t so far. 

”That sucks,” Detox says succinctly, making a face. ”You should get some more sleep, we don’t have anything we need to do before the show tonight.”

Katya is now removing her t-shirt. Because that’s apparently the kind of thing Katya does at breakfast. 

”Yeah,” Alaska says, tearing her eyes away. She needs a lie down. 

The lie down turns into a three hour nap, but she’s still feeling exhausted as they prepare for the show. She wanders aimlessly around the dressing room she shares with Katya and Detox, listening to them chatting, trying to get her energy going, a can of Red Bull in her hand. Her hair and make-up is already done, as always she’s the first one ready. She comes to a stop behind Katya, watching as Katya applies the usual generous amounts of black eyeliner. Katya’s eyes meet hers in the mirror and she stops talking in the middle of a sentence. 

”What?” she asks. ”Have I got something on my face?”

”You’ve never got anything on your face apart from eyeliner and lipstick, you lazy bitch,” Detox grumbles, but Katya’s still looking at Alaska. 

”No,” Alaska says. ”Just, you look pretty.”

”Thank you!” Katya says, with that tiny little note of surprise in her voice that Alaska has come to recognize every time someone pays her a compliment.

There’s a pointed cough, and Alaska rolls her eyes before turning to Detox. ”Yes, you’re pretty too.”

”Thank you,” Detox says, in a perfect imitation of Katya. 

”But you’re always pretty,” Alaska can’t help saying. ”With Katya is such a rare occurrence, that I feel it should be recognized and encouraged.” 

”You rotted cunt!” Katya screeches, and turns in her chair to grab hold of Alaska, but Alaska quickly moves out of her reach as she starts laughing. The laugh quickly turns into a cough though, and when it stops Katya and Detox are looking concerned. 

”I’m fine!” she says, before they have a chance to ask. ”I’m just dying from old age waiting for you to get ready.”

”Well, if you’re that bored,” Katya says, holding up a brow pencil. ”Want to do my brows for me again? I’ve never looked as good as when you did them the other day.”

”Those were daywalker brows though,” Alaska says as she takes the pencil from Katya’s hand and sits down next to Katya, dragging Katya’s chair closer, until Katya’s legs are in between her own.   
”You can’t have daywalker brows for a show.”

”Oh, I want runway brows, mama,” Katya says, tilting her head up for Alaska. 

Alaska purses her lips. ”But then your brows won’t match the rest of your face,” she says, and manages to keep a straight face as Katya gasps and Detox starts laughing so hard she has to put her mascara down. 

”Now I know how Jinkx felt,” Katya says. ”From now on I’m only touring with Trixie.”

”Yeah, because Trixie never calls you out on your shit,” Alaska says disbelievingly. 

Katya sinks lower into the chair. ”No one loves me,” she laments, but suddenly her eyes light up. 

”Phi Phi!” she calls, as the other queen walks past the door. Phi Phi stops and steps into the room. 

”You’re a wonderful, talented and lovely person!” Katya continues.

Alaska could swear Phi Phi blushes. ”What?”

”We should go on tour, just you and me, and none of these other horrible gila monsters,” Katya says. 

”Clever,” Alaska says, grabbing Katya’s chin to keep her still, ”insulting the person who is drawing on your face.”

Katya widens her eyes comically, and freezes, remaining absolutely still apart from the smile threatening to break out on her lips. 

Phi Phi’s eyes dart between Katya and Alaska, and then she shakes her head. 

”Yeah, I’m not getting into whatever this is,” she says, holding her hands up as she backs out of the room.

”Sorry,” Alaska says, as she deems Katya’s first eyebrow satisfactory and starts on the other one. ”You’re stuck with the snake lady.”

”I always wanted a pet snake when I was a kid,” Katya says wistfully. 

Alaska frowns. ”Really?” Katya has never struck her as a pet kind of person.

”No,” Katya admits with a sigh. ”But I wanted to be the kind of kid who wanted a pet snake.” 

”I miss my cat,” Alaska says, and if she has to blink rapidly a few times, it’s only because her eyes are tired. 

Katya doesn’t say anything, but reaches out to pat Alaska’s thigh sympathetically, her hand remaining there while Alaska finishes painting with neat, tiny strokes of the pencil. She goes over both brows with a different shade, and then leans back. 

”Done.”

Katya bats her eyelashes, to little effect since she doesn’t have her fake ones on yet. ”How do I look?”

”Gorgeous,” Alaska says, and then, to make up for her earlier comments. ”You always look gorgeous.” 

Their eyes lock, and Katya looks like she’s just about to say something, when Alaska is overtaken by another fit of coughing and has to turn away. When she turns back Katya is holding out a water bottle that Alaska gratefully accepts. 

”Maybe you should sit this one out,” Katya suggests, but Alaska shakes her head before Katya even finishes the sentence. 

”It’ll be fine,” she says, smiling brightly. ”I’m doing fine.” 

Halfway through the show she’s no longer so confident. She’s standing back stage with Katya keeping her company, waiting to go on after Detox. 

”I’m tired,” she sighs, leaning against the wall. That’s only the start of it. Her throat is sore, her head is pounding and her eyes are stinging, and all she wants to do is to go to bed. Katya runs her fingers through the long blond strands of Alaska’s wig, and hums in agreement. 

”Don’t tell me I told you so,” Alaska says. 

”I would never.”

They listen to Detox for a moment, Alaska trying to breathe deeply without succeeding much. 

”The air in here is really stuffy, right?” she asks. 

”It’s disgusting,” Katya says. ”Speaking of disgusting air, I need a cigarette.” 

”Noo,” Alaska complains, grabbing hold of Katya’s arm. ”I’m going to fall asleep if you leave me alone here.”

”Okay,” Katya says easily, continuing wrapping a strand of hair around her fingers. ”Only because you’re my favorite, though. You know how seriously I take my smoke breaks.”

”I’m touched and honored,” Alaska says, leaning into Katya’s touch. 

Katya hums. ”I’m just going to ask you once more. Are you sure you should even go on stage?” 

”I’m fine,” Alaska lies, but by the look on Katya’s face she’s not convincing. 

As she goes on stage for her solo, she soon has to admit that Katya was right. She knows she’s not doing her best, and it’s killing her. The audience still cheers loudly, but she doesn’t get why, because she knows she doesn’t deserve it. She loses the lyrics twice, and starts coughing at the end of the second refrain. When she’s finally done, and Manila’s taking over the stage, she stumbles into the dressing room, overcome by a sudden spell of dizziness. Katya, who is the only one in there, frowns. 

”You look like death warmed over.”

”I feel like death cold over. Chilled over.” She groans and slumps down in the chair next to Katya, who leans over and puts her hand on Alaska’s forehead. 

”Yeah, you definitely have a fever. I’ll go talk to Michelle and we’ll figure out a way to make the closing number work without you.”

”No!” Alaska grabs hold of Katya’s hand. ”Don’t, it’ll be fine. I can manage.”

”Alaska, you’re sick. No one will hold it against you if you sit out a number.”

”Yes, they will, the audience out there will, and it’ll be on YouTube, and people will think that I think I’m too good for it or something, and they already hate me enough and I’m too tired to deal with that shit right now.” To her shame she can feel tears rising in her eyes, and even though she knows it’s more because of feeling unwell than anything else, she blinks frantically and looks down on the ground to keep Katya from noticing them. She probably doesn’t succeed, because when Katya replies her voice is unusually soft. 

”Okay,” she says, and turns the hand that Alaska’s still holding so that their fingers lace together. ”Okay, we’ll think of something.” 

They remain like that for a moment, before Katya rises to fetch a sweater that she puts over Alaska’s shoulders. Then she gently removes Alaska’s wig, telling her that she can put another one on for the last number, one that doesn’t weigh half a ton. Alaska folds her arms on the table, putting her head down on them, as Katya gently runs her fingers through her boy hair. 

”It’s all sweaty,” she protest weekly, her voice muffled by her arms. 

”It’s fine,” Katya says. ”I’m the sweatiest woman in show biz, this is nothing new to me.” 

Alaska closes her eyes, and sniffles quietly. 

”Hey, can either of you lend me a…” Phi Phi stops abruptly as she comes into the room. ”Is everything okay?”

”Alaska has a fever, and possibly whatever Nicole Kidman died of in Moulin Rouge, but is determined that the show must go on,” Katya says, without halting the movement of her fingers on Alaska’s scalp. 

”Oh, that sucks,” Phi Phi says, coming closer to put her hand on Alaska’s back, rubbing it gently. ”Do you need anything?”

”Could you find some ibuprofen?” Katya asks. ”And tell Michelle.”

”Don’t tell…” Alaska starts, but Katya interrupts her. 

”We’re telling Michelle,” she says firmly. ”And frankly, if you don’t think she’ll notice the moment she sees you, you’re severely underestimating her maternal instincts.” 

”I hate this,” Alaska says, not sure just what she’s referring to. She’s just so tired. 

”It’ll be fine,” Katya promises, repeating Alaska’s mantra for the day. Somehow, Alaska believes Katya more than herself. 

Phi Phi returns with a couple of pills, a bottle of water, and Michelle, who takes one look at Alaska and sighs. 

”For the record, this is a horrible idea,” she says. But Alaska knows that Michelle knows her, and she’s proven numerous times how stubborn she is, so Michelle just rounds up the others and comes up with a plan. 

The audience probably thinks they’ve all gone batshit insane. Detox gives the front row a bonus close up look of her (almost completely bare) ass. Katya does an extra slow split, and the audience goes wild when Manila and Phi Phi try to copy her, failing miserably. No one cares or even notices if Alaska messes up a step, or stops singing in the middle of a verse where she’s standing behind Michelle, who is pretending not to notice a thing that goes on onstage. Alaska kind of wants to cry again. She fucking loves these queens. She makes it through the number, waves at the audience as she leaves the stage and collapses against a wall as soon as she’s off. From the corner of her eye she can see Detox and Phi Phi dragging Katya offstage on her back, each holding on to one of her legs. 

Michelle kneels down beside her. ”There’s a car outside, waiting to take you back the hotel. Katya’s going to go with you, okay?”

Alaska nods. ”Thanks,” she says, and Michelle’s arm comes around her shoulders. 

”You did really well tonight, sweetie,” she says, and kisses Alaska’s temple. 

She barely remembers the ride back to the hotel, or how she gets into Katya’s room. Katya removes her wig and jewelry for her, helping her unzip her dress and then pushes her into the shower. 

”You’ll feel better, I promise,” she says, and leaves the door the bathroom open, asking Alaska once every other minute if she’s still alive. When Alaska finally steps out of the shower, there’s a t-shirt and clean underwear waiting for her by the vanity. She avoids looking at herself in the mirror while she brushes her teeth, knowing there’ll be plenty of traces of makeup left on her face. 

Katya holds the cover up for her, gesturing for her to get into bed. ”I’m just going to grab a shower. Do you need anything?”

”You don’t have to stay,” Alaska says as she pulls the cover tighter around her. Everything is slightly foggy. 

”I don’t trust you not to die on me,” Katya says. ”Also, it’s my room.”

”You shouldn’t get sick, though. You can take my room. Or you could go sleep with Phi Phi.”

”I’m not going to sleep with Phi Phi,” Katya says softly. 

”Good,” Alaska mumbles into the pillow. 

_(”I do not remember saying anything of the sort,” she lies much later when Katya inevitably brings it up. ”Sounds like a pathetic thing to say.”_

_Katya grins. ”Don’t even try to deny it. And it was cute. If you hadn’t been sick, I would have done unspeakable things to you right there and then.)_

She expects to fall asleep immediately, but doesn’t. Instead she lies awake, listening to the oddly comforting sounds of the shower running and Katya moving around in the bathroom. When Katya finally gets into bed and turns off the light, Alaska closes her eyes, only to realize that even though her body is exhausted, her brain is wide awake, going over every little mistake she made on stage. She tries to avoid tossing and turning, waiting for Katya’s breathing to even out in the unmistakable pattern of sleep, but instead, Katya sighs. 

”I can hear you think,” she says quietly. ”You’re practically vibrating.”

”Sorry,” Alaska says, barely more than a whisper. ”Mind going into overdrive.”

”You know no one who actually matters think that of you, though, right?” Katya asks suddenly.   
Alaska would like to pretend she doesn’t know what Katya is talking about, but realizes that having Katya bring up their conversation in the dressing room would be worse. 

”Most days I do,” she says, which is the truth. But then there are the times when she scrolls through her twitter mentions, and every other comment is a snake emoji, or when there are more mentions of Katya’s name than her own on one of her Instagram posts. ”Other days, not so much.”

Suddenly the light is turned on, and Alaska closes her eyes tightly against the sudden brightness, but she still manages to catch a glimpse of Katya rising on her elbow.

”You are so fucking talented,” Katya says fiercely, and Alaska can’t help but open her eyes to see Katya’s face above her. ”No one deserved that crown more than you, especially not me.” 

”They love you so much, though,” Alaska says. She’s not exactly jealous, more… wistful. 

Katya snorts. ”That’s because I’m mentally ill, and therefore more relatable. You’re more polished. People find that intimidating.” She looks down on Alaska with a wry smile. ”If they only knew how relatable you were right now.” Then her face grows serious. ”You know I’m sorry about it, right?”

Alaska frowns. ”What?”

”I know it’s mostly my fans giving you so much crap,” Katya says. ”I’ve tried to stop it, but it doesn’t seem to make much of a difference.”

”Don’t be stupid,” Alaska says, and yawns. Her eyes are drifting shut again. ”I’d never in a million years blame you. It’s not like you’re their actual queen, ruling every little thing they do, sitting in your ivory castle.” The image is so absurd it makes her giggle. Hello, fever delusions. 

”I could if I wanted to, though, mother,” Katya says, as she turns the light off again. 

Alaska giggles again, and falls asleep. She’s not sure if the feeling of lips pressing against her forehead right before sleep overtakes her is real or imaginary, but in any case, it’s nice.


	5. Chapter 5

Thankfully they have the next day off, no show, no travel, a rare but perfectly timed occurrence. Alaska feels better, the headache gone, only a slight fever and a cough remaining. Still, Katya forces her to remain in bed and keeps fussing over her. It’s weird, but rather sweet. When she tries to leave the bed, Katya literally sits on her, until she manages to convince her she’s only going to the bathroom. 

They’re catching up on Fashion Photo Ruview when Katya’s phone lights up with an incoming video call from Trixie. 

”What the hell?” Trixie says, when she sees the two of them in bed. ”Isn’t it like, the afternoon over there? Is this what you do on your tours?”

”Alaska’s ill,” Katya says, and Alaska coughs meekly in support. 

”And what’s your excuse?” Trixie scoffs. 

”Shut up! I’m taking care of her. I’m not a real doctor, but I am a licensed raccoon hypnotherapist, and a hypochondriac, so I am more than qualified.”

Trixie looks straight at Alaska. 

”Is this a Misery type situation? Blink twice for yes, and I’ll call in the state troopers.”

”I’m being very well taken care of,” Alaska says, making her voice as robotic as she can. ”Katya is an excellent nurse.” She grunts as she receives an elbow in the side for her comments. ”No, Katya’s been lovely,” she says honestly and Katya beams at Trixie. 

”See?” 

Trixie looks unconvinced. ”You obviously bring out a different side in Katya than most people,” she says. 

”Ooh!” Katya exclaims, so sudden it makes Alaska jump. ”Trixie! Didn’t you have a date last night?”

”Yes,” Trixie says darkly. 

”Ooh…” Katya winces. ”On a scale from zero to three Pomeranians and a floor to ceiling poster of Bonnie Hunt, how bad was it?”

”Ok, first of all, we can’t have the three Pomeranians and Bonnie Hunt on the scale, because that’s in a league completely of its own, and nothing will ever compare.” Trixie sighs. ”And second… it might actually have been worse.”

”How can it be worse?” Alaska is intrigued. 

Trixie smiles grimly. ”So, we met on Grindr, and he was funny and really cute, and we decided to meet up. I suggested we’d meet at a bar, but he wanted to to meet at a coffee shop. I figure maybe he’s sober, that’s fine, some of my best friends are sober. Actually, when I say best friends, I mean distant acquaintances who have nothing better to do than to lie around in bed all day while some of us have already been to the gym before breakfast.”

”Tracy,” Katya interrupts mildly. ”Stay on topic.”

”Fine!” Trixie says and rolls her eyes. ”Anyway, I get to the coffee shop and the guy is there, and I realize that the picture he used wasn’t of him. That happens, it’s annoying, but not necessarily a deal breaker. Because that’s how desperate I’ve become. But, it turns out the picture he used was of his older brother. His very older brother. Because this guy, was 15 fucking years old.”

Alaska and Katya gasp in unison, and Katya grabs hold of Alaska’s arm tightly. 

”No fucking way,” she whispers loudly.

”Yes fucking way!” Trixie exclaims. ”He had braces! He basically looked like me in the conjoined twins challenge! Only with acne. And he insisted he wanted to buy me coffee, which he could totally do, because he’d stolen his mom’s credit card!” She groans loudly. ”I hate my life!”

Alaska bursts out laughing, and immediately covers her mouth with her hand. ”Sorry!” she says, her voice muffled. ”I’m sorry, but…” She starts giggling again when she hears Katya snort with laughter. 

”No, it’s fine,” Trixie says flatly. ”I’m so glad the fact that I will live the rest of my life alone and die alone and get eaten by my cats is amusing to you. And I don’t even have cats! So I’ll have to rely on stray cats breaking into my house. Because that’s my life now.” 

”Yeah, but Grindr sucks, though,” Katya says. ”That’s why I never use it, I just…”

”No!” Trixie interrupts her, ”I am not taking dating advice from someone who hooks up in drag ninety percent of the time, and who hasn’t been on an actual normal date with a non-married, non-straight man in the last decade.”

Katya splutters. ”That’s not… entirely true.” She ponders it for a moment. ”It’s mostly true, but not entirely.” 

Trixie ignores her. ”Alaska! You’re a normal sort of person.”

Alaska blinks. ”Thank you?”

”What do you use? Grindr? Craigslist? Scruff? How do you make it work?”

”Oh, I never use anything like that,” Alaska says, causing both Katya and Trixie to stare at her.   
”Never. It could be anybody.”

”As demonstrated by me, Trixie Mattel at your service. You’re welcome.” Trixie stands up to curtsey, and Alaska golf claps. 

Katya is still staring at her. ”How do you hook up then?”

Alaska shrugs, which is hard, since Katya is still clinging to her arm. ”I don’t know, meeting people in clubs, through friends.”

”See, that’s my problem,” Trixie says. ”I need better friends!”

”Bitch!” Katya exclaims. 

”Yeah, well when did you last introduce me to any eligible bachelors, Barbara?”

Katya grimaces. ”All the bachelors I know are very much ineligible.”

”What about you?” Trixie asks Alaska. ”Any single, available friends?” 

”I suppose,” Alaska says. She mentally catalogues her single gay friends, but somehow none of them seems suitable for Trixie. ”I just don’t think any of them are good enough for you.”

Trixie nods sagely. ”And that’s my other problem. I’m just too good, period. I’m destined to live out my life as a legend, icon and star alone, above every one else. Just like Jesus.”

”Just one of the many similarities,” Katya says. 

”And anyway, don’t all of your friends want to fuck Katya?” Trixie asks with a sigh. 

”That’s true,” Alaska admits. ”I’m still baffled by that.” She really isn’t. 

Katya turns to Alaska, with an affronted face. ”And why don’t you introduce them to me? I’m not picky, they’ll be good enough.”

Alaska looks Katya up and down. ”Well, yes, but are you good enough for them?”

”You beast!” Katya drops the phone to grab the pillow from behind her and whack it in in Alaska’s face, making her splutter with laughter.

Once they’ve stopped shoving each other like five-year-olds, Trixie has ended the call. 

”I just wish she’d meet someone who’s good enough for her,” Katya sighs, as she’s writing a groveling text to Trixie, apologizing for ignoring her in her time of need. ”She’s such a good person! She deserves someone who’s perfect.”

Alaska thinks of the way Trixie looked at Katya during the call, the way she always looks at Katya, and the way she speaks of Katya, with so much fondness it makes Alaska’s heart ache a little for her. She has a suspicion Trixie’s already found that person, but it’s not really her place to mention it. As Katya puts her phone to the side, she asks her about something else she’s been wondering about instead. 

”Is it true what Trixie said?”

”Probably,” Katya says, and snuggles closer to Alaska. It took Alaska a while to adjust to how touchy Katya is, but now she takes it in stride. ”Which part?”

”The part about you hooking up in drag ninety percent of the time.”

”Oh, that.” Katya frowns thoughtfully. ”Probably not as high as ninety percent, but yeah.” 

Alaska stares at her. ”Seriously? You’ve had sex more times in drag than out of drag?”

Katya nods. ”Oh, definitely.”

”I mean, I knew you were that kind of girl, but really?”

Katya shrugs. ”There was that year when I had sex with pretty much a third of the male population in Boston in drag. I don’t do it as much anymore, but I’d have to work really hard to even out the numbers after that. Also, it’s easier. Katya is beautiful, on a good day. Brian, eh, not so much.”

”Well, that’s bullshit,” Alaska says without thinking. ”But I just don’t really understand the appeal, I guess,” she continues, determined not to blush at the look on Katya’s face. ”I have had sex in drag, several times. But it feels weird, like I’m not myself when I do that.”

Katya shrugs, with a self-deprecating grin. ”Well, back in those days, that was pretty much the idea.” She meets Alaska’s eyes and groans. ”Don’t look at me like that. It was all completely safe and consensual. Well, maybe not always entirely safe, but I knew what I was doing. I liked it! I’m glad I’m not living my life like that any more, but you know.” She shrugs again. ”Don’t look at me differently. Don’t look at me like I’m a victim.”

Alaska wasn’t aware she had done that. ”Sorry,” she says, and then, curiously. ”How do I usually look at you?”

She’s expecting a joking answer, but Katya bites her lip thoughtfully. ”I’m not sure,” she says slowly. ”I’m trying to figure it out.” 

”But you still do it, right?” Alaska asks when Katya doesn’t continue on that track. ”Have sex in drag?”

”Sure,” Katya says, grinning again. ”Not for the same reasons though. I just think it’s hot.”

An image flashes through Alaska’s mind, Katya, her red lipstick smeared, blond wig messed up, skirt hitched above her waist, looking up from under her fake lashes. Her mouth goes dry.

”Yeah, I can see that,” she says, her voice amazingly not wavering.

They only have two shows left on this leg of the tour. The first one goes off without a hitch, the second one is two hours delayed due to a power cut. When they get back to the hotel they’re dead on their feet and Alaska falls asleep while Katya is still in the bathroom. 

She’s awakened the next morning by Katya swearing. It’s still mostly dark in the room, but once she’s managed to get her eyes completely opened she notices that the light in the bathroom is on, and that the door is slightly open, releasing a tiny bit of light into the room. Katya is just a dark shadow over by the door, still cursing under her breath. Alaska sighs, sits up and turns the bedside light on. 

”What the fuck are you doing?” she asks, as Katya jumps by the sudden increase of light. 

”Sorry,” Katya says. ”I didn’t mean to wake you.”

”What are you doing up at…” Alaska checks her phone and groans”… 5.43 in the morning?”

”I’m packing, I need to leave in half an hour. And I was trying not to wake you, so I didn’t turn on the light, and since I didn’t see anything I stubbed my toe into the desk chair.” 

Right. Alaska had almost managed to forget. The rest of them are leaving for more Christmas Queens shows, and she’s going to Dublin with the AAA girls. 

”So what, you were just going to sneak out without saying goodbye?” It comes out less jokingly than she meant it to, but it still makes Katya smile. 

”I would never,” she says, coming over the bed and sitting down on top of the covers. She’s dressed in jeans and a sweater, her feet still bare. ”I just thought I’d let you sleep for as long as possible.” She leans her head against Alaska’s shoulder and yawns. 

”I appreciate the thought.” Alaska pets Katya hair absentmindedly and then she frowns. ”Katya, you’re bleeding.” 

There’s a tiny trickle of blood running down Katya’s big toe on her right foot. Katya starts to rise from the bed but Alaska holds her back. ”Don’t move. You’ll get blood on the carpet.” She gets out of bed and heads into the bathroom, rummaging around in her wash bag until she finds a plaster, and then dampens a wad of toilet paper under the tap. She gets into bed again, pulling Katya’s foot into her lap. She wipes of the blood, and then neatly puts on the plaster. 

”There,” she says, giving the foot a gentle squeeze. ”As good as new.”

Katya wriggles her toes experimentally. ”Aren’t you going to kiss it better?” she says cheekily. 

Before Alaska really has a chance to realize what she’s doing, she bends down and presses her lips against the top of Katya’s foot. When she looks up Katya’s eyes are wide. 

”There, all better,” she says meekly, and is relieved when there’s a knock on the door. She almost jumps out of bed to open it, revealing Detox on the other side. Detox doesn’t look surprised to find her in Katya’s room, and Alaska briefly wonders, not for the first time, what the others are really thinking about the two of them. 

”Morning,” Detox says, her voice gravelly. She looks over Alaska’s shoulder to Katya. ”You ready? Apparently we’re in for a treat, snowstorms galore in Canada.” 

”Sure, just give me two minutes,” Katya says, pulling on her socks and shoes. 

Detox nods and opens her arms to Alaska for a hug, which Alaska willingly provides. 

”Take care,” she says into Alaska’s shoulder. ”See you soon.”

”You too,” Alaska says, as Detox steps back and gives her a kiss on the cheek. Detox smiles and moves down the hotel corridor, leaving the door open. 

Alaska turns to Katya, who is just putting on her jacket. She steps aside as Katya picks up her suitcase and puts it down outside the door, turning on the threshold to face Alaska. 

”Well,” she says, looking about as awkward as Alaska feels. ”Have fun in Dublin. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”

”That rules out absolutely nothing,” Alaska says, making Katya smile. ”Have fun in…” she breaks off to shake her head. ”I don’t remember where you’re going.”

”Vancouver.”

”That’s nice.”

Katya nods. ”If we get there. With the snowstorm and all.” 

”Well, you look dressed for it,” Alaska says, looking at Katya’s thin jacket. ”Hang on.” She reaches for her scarf, hanging on a hook beside the door. ”Here.” She wraps it around Katya’s neck, rearranging it until both ends are equally long. If she’s touching Katya’s neck slightly more than necessary in doing so, neither of them mention it. 

”Thank you,” Katya says, and then, ”Alaska, I…” 

Alaska never finds out what Katya was going to say, because she’s already kissing her, wrapping her arms around Katya’s neck, her hand in Katya’s hair. She would like to pretend that she takes herself by surprise in doing so, but that would be a lie. She’s been thinking about this for weeks, maybe months. Perhaps she hasn’t imagined it happening in a hotel corridor while she is half asleep and Katya is leaving, but at least it’s finally happening. She releases a breath she didn’t know she was holding when Katya responds, parting her lips for Alaska, her hands coming up to rest on Alaska’s hips. She’s never had a first kiss with someone she knows as well she knows Katya before. Usually a first kiss is the opportunity to note how someone smells, what their skin feels like, what they sound like. But she’s already familiar with the mix of almonds and smoke that clings to Katya, the way Katya’s hair is soft under her fingers, the way Katya’s hands are never still. The way Katya’s tongue feels against hers is new though, as are the little sounds Katya makes when Alaska’s fingers tighten in her hair, and Alaska wants more of it, wants to learn more about the little things that make up Katya. But there’s a pointed cough from further down the corridor, and when they break apart, too sudden and unexpected, Detox is just a few feet away, smiling apologetically. 

”We really need to go,” she says. 

Katya nods, not looking at her but at Alaska. She looks a little bit lost. ”So, I guess I’ll see you New Year’s?”

Alaska nods, feeling overwhelmed. She wants to say something, anything, but she just looks on as Katya grabs her suitcase. And then, just like that, Katya is gone, following Detox down the long corridor. Alaska slowly closes the door behind them, and sinks down to the floor. 

Oh, fuck.


	6. Chapter 6

Alaska goes to Dublin. She meets up with Courtney and Willam and they rehearse all that day and the next and do their show at night, and she keeps her head in the game, because she is nothing if not professional. But once she’s back stage in the dressing room after the show, she finds herself with her phone in her hand, deaf to what’s going on around her. On Katya’s snapchat there’s a picture of Katya wearing Alaska’s scarf. Alaska stares at it for a long time, only hurriedly putting her phone away when Courtney touches her shoulder. 

”Are you okay, Alaska?” Courtney asks. ”You’re very quiet.”

”I’m fine, just tired,” she says and musters up a smile. 

”You’re also a shit liar,” Willam says bluntly. ”You’ve been off all day, so something’s obviously on your mind. 

Alaska starts to peel off her fake nails, while she debates with herself whether she should say something or not. The thing is, she sort of wants to talk about it, but the person she’s now used to talking about important things with is Katya, who is obviously not an option. So she figures Courtney and Willam might be the second best choice. At least it’s better than to go over it in her head repeatedly. 

”I think I may have done something stupid,” she says, trying to get a grip on the nail on her little finger.

”Tell us all about it,” Courtney says, slinging her arm over Alaska’s shoulders. ”You can’t find two people more well versed in the art of doing stupid things than Willam and myself”. 

Alaska finally uses her teeth on the nail, ripping it off with enough force to hurt. ”I kissed Katya.” The words sound so insignificant said like that.

”That doesn’t sound stupid,” Willam says. ”I’ve made out with Katya. It was awesome! She’s hot. Also, she was covered in peanut butter and jelly, which made it even better.”

Courtney shakes her head. ”That video was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever seen in my life. And I’ve shared a dressing room with Adore.”

”That video was art,” Willam argues. ”We brought drag back to its roots, when it was filthy and edgy and covered in peanut butter.” 

”Katya is hot, though,” Courtney says, ignoring Willam. ”I had this dream once, about her and Trixie double-teaming me, and all the time they were just talking to each other, like in an episode of Unnhh.” She sighs wistfully. ”It was awesome.”

Willam stands up straighter. ”Say that again.”

”What?”

”The name of their show.”

”Unnhh,” Courtney repeats with a smirk, drawing out the sound, making Willam groan in response. 

”You’re filthy,” Willam says, sounding impressed. ”You look so sweet, but you’re filthy.”

”This is really helpful, by the way,” Alaska says. Realizing just how attractive everyone else is finding Katya doesn’t make her feel any better. 

”Sorry,” Courtney says. She sits down in the chair next to Alaska and grabs her hands, holding them tightly in her own and looking intently into Alaska’s eyes. ”Tell us where it hurts.”

Alaska pulls back her hands, annoyed. ”Forget about it. This was obviously a stupid idea.” She starts on the nails on her right hand, cursing silently when the nail on her thumb breaks off. 

”Oh,” Courtney says softly. She leans back and tilts her head to the side, frowning. ”I’m sorry,” she says, sounding more sincere this time. 

Willam comes over to stand behind Alaska, waiting silently until Alaska looks up and their eyes meet in the mirror. 

”Spill,” she says firmly, but not unkindly. 

Alaska exhales loudly. 

”I don’t even know,” she says. ”We’ve been spending a lot of time together. Like, all the time. At first I thought she was just trying to keep me occupied and to stop me from doing something stupid. Which is ironic, considering. But I think it was just as much a way to keep her from doing something stupid. Anyway, the reason doesn’t matter, because it’s been great. She’s so smart, and so, so funny, and making her laugh is ridiculously easy, but it still feels amazing, and I don’t know why. And I haven’t slept so well in ages, even though she constantly talks in her sleep, and kicks all the time.” 

She knows she’s rambling but she can’t seem to stop. She tears at a nail that just won’t come off. 

”And then she was leaving and I realized that I wasn’t going to see her for a couple of weeks, so I kissed her. And now I don’t know what to do, and she probably thinks…”

”And breathe,” Courtney interrupts, once again taking Alaska’s hand in hers, this time to gently remove the stubborn fake nail. 

Willam stares at Alaska. ”Fuck,” she says. ”I was expecting some drunken making out back stage, well, maybe not drunken, but this is actual Love Actually shit. I mean, Detox mentioned you two were having some kind of epic romance, but I thought she was joking.”

Alaska groans. ”You’re not making this better.”

”I don’t see what the problem is,” Courtney says. She releases Alaska’s hand, having carefully peeled off the remaining nails. ”Katya is amazing. And the two of you have so much in common, you’re both really smart, you have the same sense of humor, and you’ve both been through the same kind of shit. I think you’d be great together.”

”No, no, no,” Alaska says hurriedly, shaking her head. ”There is no ’together’, this is not a thing.”

Willam raises her eyebrows. ”You’re having a pretty impressive breakdown over something that is not a thing.”

”And what about Katya?” Courtney asks. ”Maybe it’s a thing to her.”

”Katya doesn’t even do relationships,” Alaska says. She wishes she still had her nails on, she needs something to do with her hands. Instead she starts unpinning the extra hairpieces attached to her wig. 

”And is that what you want?” Courtney is relentless. ”A relationship?”

What Alaska wants is what she already has with Katya, the way that she can make Katya scream with laughter, the way Katya keeps grabbing hold of her hand when she gets excited, the way she knows that if she feels like shit she can go to Katya, who won’t ask questions, but will distract her by telling an incredibly complicated story that’s probably not even true, but fascinating nonetheless. She wants to keep all of that. And yes, she has to admit to herself that she wants to kiss Katya, and she wants to know how Katya’s ridiculous flexibility translates into sex, and frankly, she wants to lick every inch of Katya’s body, but not at the expense of their friendship.

”Doesn’t really matter what I want, does it?” she says, neatly avoiding the question. ”Katya doesn’t do relationships.”

”Not because she doesn’t want to. I know it’s a cliche, but perhaps she just hasn’t found the right person.” 

”I don’t think I’m cut out for being the right person for anyone,” Alaska admits. 

Willam frowns disapprovingly. ”Don’t be an idiot. Anyone would be lucky to have you.” 

”I never do it this way around, though,” Alaska says. She takes off her wig and runs her fingers through her hair, making it stand up in all directions. ”Usually I’ll meet a guy, have sex with him, and then figure out if I like him or not. I don’t know how to deal with this.”

”It’s easy,” Willam says matter-of-factly. ”You just turn up at her door and tell her you’re just a boy who likes dressing up as a woman, standing in front of another boy who likes dressing up as a woman, asking him slash her to fuck you.”

”That’s not Love Actually, though,” Courtney says.

”Yes, it is, it’s the Hugh Grant one.”

”No, but that’s the one with Julia Roberts.”

”What, Pretty Woman? That’s harsh, Courtney, comparing Alaska to a prostitute.”

Alaska sighs and folds her arms on the table, laying her head down on them, not even caring that she’s getting make-up all over her arms. 

Willam rubs her shoulders comfortingly, while continuing to argue with Courtney about romantic comedies in general. Alaska is for the moment quite content just to remain silent and let their conversation wash over her. Nothing more is said on the subject of Katya until later, when they’re ready to leave, and Alaska and Courtney are just waiting for Willam to wrap up her flirting with a particularly burly stage hand. 

”I think Trixie’s a bit in love with her,” she admits quietly, which makes Courtney hum thoughtfully.

”Maybe a little,” she says. ”But if something was going to happen between Katya and Trixie it would have a long time ago.” 

Alaska would have preferred Courtney to say ”No, of course she isn’t, you’re imagining things.” But she guesses this is the second best thing. 

”When are you seeing her again?” Courtney asks. 

”New Year’s Eve. We’re doing a show together.”

”That’s perfect,” Courtney exclaims. ”Every opportunity for a New Year’s kiss.” Her face softens when Alaska doesn’t answer. ”You’ll work it out. I have faith in the both of you.” She puts her arm around Alaska, giving her half a hug. ”And besides, you’re her favorite. Everyone knows that.”

The next day Alaska takes a photo of Willam and Courtney arguing over fries, Courtney pulling the plate toward her and Willam threatening her with a bottle of ketchup. 

”This is what I have to put up with now. I feel I traded down.” she types and sends it to Katya. She has to do something to restore a sense of normality between them. She puts her phone down, only to grab hold of it five seconds later to send the same message to Detox and Manila. 

She gets a reply hours later, just after she’s gone to bed, from Katya’s phone. It’s a picture of the three of them, pouting into the camera. ”Miss you too!” the message says.

Alaska stares at the photo for three whole minutes. Then she throws her phone to the side and pulls the cover up over her head and stays like that until she finally manages to fall asleep, the room uncomfortably quiet without Katya mumbling. 

New Year’s Eve comes too quickly and yet not quickly enough. She arrives at the venue, her stomach in a tight knot, not having had any contact with Katya since that photo. She’s shown to the dressing room, and stops abruptly by the door when she notices that Katya’s already there. She must have arrived shortly before, because nothing is unpacked. Katya’s sitting in a chair in front of the mirror, not in drag yet, scrolling through something on her phone, jacket hanging over the back of the chair, Alaska’s scarf still around her neck. 

Alaska watches her in silence for a few moments, and then she clears her throat. Katya looks up and their eyes meet in the mirror for a second, before Katya turns around and rises from the chair. 

”Hi,” Alaska says, forcing a smile, even as the knot in her stomach pulls tighter. 

”Hey,” Katya says. She looks as if she’s about to take a step closer, but changes her mind at the last second. 

Alaska suddenly hates the kiss she’s been obsessing over for the last two weeks. If it hadn’t been for that kiss, Katya would have given a Alaska a hug, which Alaska reluctantly would have accepted, and then kindly would have told Katya that she looked like shit. Katya would have hit her on the arm, just hard enough to hurt, and then they would have gossiped about the shows they’d played in the time they’d been apart, and it would have been nice and fun and normal and everything Alaska got used to. But instead they’re standing in front of each other, neither of them knowing where to look or what to say and Alaska can’t stand it. 

”You look like shit,” she blurts out, when the silence gets too deafening, because it isn’t Love Actually, and she doesn’t know how to be different around Katya. But it seems to work, judging from the grin spreading on Katya’s face. 

”I missed you too, cunt,” she says. She sits down again, leans back in her chair and smirks. ”It wasn’t all bad, though. Me and Detox convinced Ginger to do your part in Read U, and let me tell you, Katgingetox is the new big thing. 

”Sounds like a rat poison,” Alaska says loftily, sitting down in the chair next to Katya. ”How fitting.” 

She grins when Katya screeches with laughter. ”I on the other hand spent time with Willam and Courtney, and well, you know what the three of us get up to in the spare time.” 

She regrets the words as soon as they’re out of her mouth, because that brings them on to a topic she doesn’t want to discuss. 

”Not really, though,” she says with a shrug. ”William fell in love with a stage hand, it was all very touching.”

”Oh, wait, I got you something,” Katya says suddenly, and bends down to start rummaging around in her suitcase. When she turns back to Alaska there’s a red and silver colored box in her hand. She holds it out. ”Merry Christmas!”

”Thank you,” Alaska says, and maybe the slight panic she feels at not having a present for Katya in return shows on her face, because Katya hurriedly tells her it a scarf. 

”Because I’m not planning on returning yours,” she says, wrapping her hand in the scarf around her neck possessively.

Alaska opens the box, handing the lid over to Katya. The scarf is green, in different shades, the yarn almost shimmering in a zigzag pattern. She takes it out to unravel it, and as she does, she notices a tiny bit of red at one end, and when she looks closer, it’s a bit of red fabric, forked in two, and above it a two black buttons. 

”It’s a snake!” Katya informs her helpfully. ”You know, because of the…” she trails off when Alaska remains silent. ”Oh, fuck. Is this one of those things that are funny when you do them yourself, and really fucking tasteless when someone else does?” 

”No,” Alaska says quietly, shaking her head. ”No, it’s not.” She tears her eyes away from the scarf to look at Katya. ”How long did it take you to find this?”

Katya shrugs, looking a bit embarrassed. ”Oh, you know, not long. It’s not as if Ginger hates my guts now for dragging her through every weird boutique in Canada.”

_(”Oh, that’s not all,” Ginger tells her much later. ”After we’d been in every weird boutique in Canada without result, she then proceeded to drag me to every yarn store in Toronto, until she found someone who would custom knit a fucking snake scarf.”_

_”Apparently the demand for snake scarves is not as high as it should be,” Katya says defensively when Alaska stares at her in disbelief. ”And I had my heart set on one.”_

_”You are unbelievable,” Alaska says, and kisses her deeply while Ginger gags.”)_

”Well, let Ginger know I love it,” Alaska says. She wraps the scarf around her neck. It’s scratchy as hell, but she couldn’t care less. ”How do I look?”

”You are the most beautiful snake lady I’ve ever seen,” Katya says. Her hands are gripping the lid to the box so tightly it’s beginning to buckle. 

It’s suddenly crystal clear to Alaska that this is it now, that there is no way for them to go back to before. So they might as well go forward. 

”From what I remember from the last time we saw each other,” she says carefully, ”the part after the giving of the scarf is the part where you kiss me.”

”Oh, good,” Katya breathes. ”I was hoping it was.” 

She drops the lid and takes Alaska’s face in her hands, kissing her gently, almost nervously. Too gently, and Alaska pulls her closer, deepening the kiss. She clutches at Katya’s shoulders, but it’s not enough and she pulls impatiently at Katya until she finally takes a hint and leaves her chair to straddle Alaska’s lap instead. 

Alaska wants to tell her that she’s missed her, that she can’t seem to sleep properly without her anymore, that telling jokes is never as rewarding without Katya’s screams of laughter following them. But she’s not sure exactly what they’re doing or what they are and if that would be too much. 

So she just keeps kissing Katya, tilting her head up to meet her, holding on to Katya’s waist, feeling the beat of Katya’s heart against her own chest. They kiss until Alaska loses track of time, only breaking apart when there’s a knock on the door, and a voice outside reminding them of their call time. 

”Fuck,” Katya says. Her lips are red and swollen, and she looks slightly confused. ”We have a show.” She looks at herself in the mirror and blinks. ”And we’re not even in drag yet.” 

Alaska can’t help but laugh at the look of sheer terror on Katya’s face. She leans her forehead against Katya’s. ”This is going to be a shit show, isn’t it?”

In the end, it probably isn’t as bad as they feared. Their make-up may not be up to the usual standard. Well, Alaska’s isn’t. The difference in Katya’s is very subtle. And while they may be distracted and slightly unsure of what they’re supposed to be doing at any given time, they make up for it by being high on adrenaline and endorphins, and the audience is eating it up, cheering wildly throughout the entire show. 

Alaska doesn’t think she’s ever left a venue so quickly after a show, though. They probably come off as incredibly rude, avoiding everyone who wants to talk to them, clumsily dodging hands reaching for autographs. They change clothes and remove their wigs in record time, throwing everything haphazardly into suitcases, but it still feels like half an eternity before they’re in Katya’s hotel room, and well there the familiarity of it all makes Alaska almost lightheaded with relief. She pushes Katya down on the bed, climbing on top of her. 

”You are a horrible influence,” she says, looking down at her. 

”I know,” Katya says, grinning unrepentantly. ”I thought you were going to make up for it, but apparently not.”

Alaska pinches her side lightly, right where Katya’s shirt is riding up and there’s a strip of bare skin showing, and Katya gasps in mock horror. 

”That’s how you choose to start the new year? With violence and abuse?” 

”Do you have any other suggestions?” Alaska asks sweetly, caressing the skin she just pinched with her thumb. 

Katya lifts her hips slightly off the bed, smirking when she notices the way it makes Alaska’s breath hitch. 

”They say you should start the year as you mean to go on,” she says innocently, batting her eyelashes. 

Alaska knows all too well what she wants to be doing for the rest of the year, and right now she can’t think of anything she’d like more that to give Katya a full and very detailed demonstration of it. 

So she does. 

When they break apart, much, much later, exhausted and covered in sweat, both breathing heavily, Katya buries her nose in the crook of Alaska’s neck and inhales deeply. 

”I finally understand the big deal about New Year’s kisses now,” she says, her voice muffled. ”I have clearly been doing them wrong all this time.”

Alaska giggles tiredly, already halfway to sleep. ”Happy New Year, Katya,” she mumbles. 

She’s asleep before she can ever hear Katya’s response. 

”Happy New Year, Lasky.”


	7. Chapter 7

Alaska is woken up by an insistent buzzing, the unmistakable sound of a vibrating phone. She blindly reaches for her phone, only to notice that the noise is coming from the other side of the bed. She turns towards it, realizing as she does so that her body is pleasantly sore. She smiles at the welcome reminder of the night before, and reaches out to to poke Katya’s chest. 

Katya grumbles in response and swats her hand away. 

”I’m not awake yet. Go back to sleep.”

”Turn off your phone, and I will.”

”Whoever it was has stopped calling now, anyway.” 

This is true, Alaska realizes. She opens her eyes halfway, only to find the room is still fairly dark. She looks at Katya and can’t help but smile. Her hair sticks out in all directions, and there are traces of make-up on her skin, black smudges under her eyes, and red lipstick visible around her mouth. Alaska knows she probably doesn’t look any better herself. Removing make-up was not a top priority last night. She raises herself on up one elbow, not entirely sure why her shoulder of all places is tender, and carefully graces Katya’s upper arm with her fingertips. Katya’s eyes open.

”Hi,” Alaska says, drawing out the sound. 

”Good morning,” Katya says and smiles, and fuck, Alaska is so gone. ”That was fun, that thing we did last night. We should do that again.”

”I thought you wanted to sleep,” Alaska says. She leans down to kiss her, ignoring the way her shoulder protests, ignoring the stale taste of morning breath. 

”I could be persuaded otherwise,” Katya admits when they break apart, and Alaska is about to kiss her again when Katya’s phone buzzes. 

”You’re very popular this morning.”

”Fully booked, mama!” Katya grins as she reaches for her phone, squinting as she looks at the display. ”Oh, it’s Trixie.” She looks at Alaska, biting her lip thoughtfully. ”So, are we keeping this a secret?”

Alaska snorts. ”I think that particular ship has sailed,” she laments. ”And are you honestly telling me that if I say yes, that you still won’t tell Trixie about it the first chance you get?”

”Not if you didn’t want me to,” Katya says, looking mildly offended. ”It would be shit, though. I’m not sure I’m actually capable of lying to Trixie. I haven’t tried. And she already knows about the kiss, so…”

Alaska sighs. She has to admit she’s a little bit worried about what Trixie’s reaction will be.

”Answer your phone, Katya. We might as well get this over with.” 

Katya tugs the cover up over their chests. 

”What?” she says when Alaska stares at her. ”We don’t need to subject poor Trixie to this freak show this early in the morning.”

”In that case we should probably just pull the covers up over our heads,” Alaska says. She rubs the skin under her eyes, and frowns when flakes of mascara stick to her fingers. 

”Trixie’s seen worse,” Katya decides. She takes a deep breath and holds the phone as far away as possible when she answers the call. 

”Finally!” Trixie exclaims when she shows up on screen, but she doesn’t get further than that before Katya interrupts her. 

”Uh, Trixie, remember that thing I told you about,” she says, and angles the phone so that Alaska comes into frame. 

”That thing?” Alaska asks mildly and Katya wrinkles her nose in apology. But anything she’s about to say in response is interrupted by Trixies loud ”Fuck!” 

They both stare at her, and Alaska is momentarily afraid that it was the sound of Trixie’s heart breaking, but Trixie is looking more angry than upset. 

”You absolute whores!” she exclaims. ”You couldn’t have kept it in your panties for another week?” 

”What the fuck?” Katya breathes, echoing Alaska’s thoughts exactly. 

”I had it down for the seventh,” Trixie continues, glaring at them. ”I was so sure you were both too awkward to jump into the bed the second you saw each other again.”

Katya looks to Alaska in bewilderment, but Alaska is starting to have an idea of what’s going on. She’s not even surprised. 

”Trixie, is there a betting pool on us?” she asks, and Katya gasps. 

”How?”

”Yes!” Trixie groans. ”What do you expect when you moon about each other for ages, make out in a hotel corridor in front of god and Detox and then go spilling your hearts out to every single queen out there? And you just lost me a hundred dollars, you cunts! This is the second time, Katya! First All Stars, and now this. Why am I even friends with you.” 

Katya is now bent over double laughing so hard, and Alaska is laughing just watching her. She has a feeling she ought to be offended by the whole thing, but she can’t be bothered. 

”So, who won?” she asks Trixie, who is still looking mightily pissed off. 

”Fucking Courtney,” Trixie spits. 

”Oh,” Alaska says. ”She did talk a lot about New Year’s kisses, come to think of it.”

Trixie splutters. ”That’s like insider trading shit! I am making sure she gets disqualified right now!” She abruptly hangs up, and Alaska and Katya are left staring at each other. 

”So, I guess that went well?” Katya says. 

A minute later, their phones both buzz at the same time, with a text from Trixie. 

”Happy for you both, though, cunts,” followed by every single available heart emoji. And a few other well chosen ones. 

They stay in bed until checkout time, and then they both have to leave, in completely different directions, to different cities, different shows. It isn’t until Alaska’s sitting in the plane that it hits her that she has no idea what last night actually meant, if it was a one time thing, if they’re now friends who occasionally have sex, or if they’re actually in a relationship. She’s never had trouble knowing before, but this is Katya, and she’s never quite sure where she is with Katya, because Katya is a law unto herself. And the new few days doesn’t clear anything up. It’s ironic really, at least in the Alanis Morissette sense of the word, that they spent so much time together before, and now, when they’re actually… something at least, they won’t be in the same place for weeks. They talk all the time, and they flirt incessantly, but that’s nothing new. They even attempt phone sex once, but that ends in Katya laughing so hard at Alaska’s attempts at dirty talk that she drops her phone and cracks the screen. And that’s a relationship, isn’t it? Only, that’s the one thing they never actually talk about. 

What makes it worse is that everyone else knows about them. Well, not everyone, but every queen who knows them, which is a whole lot of queens, seems to know, and seems to think it’s their place to comment on it. Alaska probably wouldn’t mind the well-wishes, or the speculations, or the sometimes snide comments about high-profile relationships, if she only knew the truth herself. So she replies with a smile, more or less sincere depending on the comment, each time doubting herself a little bit more. 

There’s one particular queen Alaska needs to tell herself, though, and she’s been putting it off. She feels that it’s a conversation best had face to face, but it doesn’t look like they’ll be in the same city anytime soon. So she finally picks up her phone and makes the call. 

”I was wondering how long it would take you,” is the first thing Sharon says when she answers. 

”So I take it you heard?” Alaska says, making a face at herself in the mirror. 

”Did you honestly think I wouldn’t?” Sharon asks, the disbelief clear in her voice. ”Never underestimate the queen jungle drum. You and Katya are definitely the hottest gossip right now.”

”Great,” Alaska sighs. 

”So why didn’t you call me until now?”

”I don’t know. It makes it all very official, doesn’t it, telling your ex about a new…” She trails off, not knowing if she can actually use the word relationship, even if it is the first one to come to mind. 

”Are you sure this is a good idea?” 

She isn’t, but she doesn’t need her ex knowing that. ”Is there a particular reason why I shouldn’t?”

”Look, I like Katya, but she’s not really knows for her happy, healthy relationships, is she?”

”Well, neither am I,” Alaska says shortly. 

It’s quiet on the other end of the line, and Alaska feels bad about her comment, but she won’t apologize. Finally Sharon gives in. 

”And what if it ends badly?” 

”What do you mean?”

”Look, you’ve already gotten so much shit from some of Katya’s fans, just from winning All Stars. If the two of you have a messy break-up, who do you think they’ll blame?” 

She’s already thought of this. She’s had sleepless nights over it, but Sharon doesn’t need to know that either. ”I think maybe it’s worth it,” she says, and Sharon sighs. 

”It just seems to me like you’re risking a lot for something which you don’t even know if you can call a relationship.” So Sharon did pick up on it. Of course she did. Alaska should have known, no one knows her better than Sharon. 

”I just really like her,” she says quietly.

”Yeah,” Sharon says and sighs again. ”I figured that out ages ago.”

”Really? How?”

”I can’t remember the last time you willingly spent that much time with someone.”

Alaska doesn’t even know how to respond to that, so she asks about Chad instead, and Sharon graciously lets the subject change happen. Once they’re saying their goodbyes though, Sharon brings it up again. 

”You know I only want you to be happy, right?” she asks. ”You know that I love you.”

Alaska nods, even though Sharon can’t see her. 

”Yeah,” she says and feels remarkably like crying a little. ”I know. I love you too.”

Twenty minutes later she gets a text from Katya. 

”I just had a call from Sharon Needles explaining in great detail just where she’d tuck certain body of parts of mine, if I did anything to displease you.” 

Alaska smiles. ”Sorry about that!” she types, even though she’s nothing but. It’s kind of nice to know that Sharon is still on her side. 

Besides, Alaska’s already had the ”hurt her and I’ll kill you speech” from both Trixie and Ginger. Ginger’s had been surprisingly bloodthirsty. She’d had no idea that Ginger was such an expert on the methods of torture used by the Spanish inquisition. Then again, it wouldn’t surprise her if Ginger had looked them up especially for that conversation. Trixie’s had been more heartfelt, leaving Alaska yet again feeling vaguely guilty. She’s still fairly sure that Trixie has feelings for Katya, but if Trixie isn’t willing to act on them, then Alaska sure isn’t unselfish enough to bring it up with her. She never expected to get the same speech from Violet Chachki, though. 

She’s doing a show with Violet and Fame and a couple of local queens. There’s a lot of people and not enough time or space, so it takes her a while to notice that Violet seems to be avoiding her. Once she has noticed it though, it’s very obvious. She usually gets along just fine with Violet, and there’s only one thing that has changed since the last time she saw her. Still, she’d rather make sure she hasn’t done anything else that she just hasn’t realized. 

She has a suspicion not many people know about Katya and Violet, but if anyone knows, it’s Fame. So she corners Fame in her dressing room while Violet is on stage. 

”Is Violet pissed at me because of Katya?” she asks directly and Fame sighs a little. 

”She’s just being a brat. She doesn’t like when someone takes away her toys.” She frowns. ”Not that toy is an accurate description in this case.” 

”But things weren’t serious with her and Katya, right?” Alaska suddenly feels worried. She’s only heard Katya’s side of the story after all. 

”No, not at all,” Fame says, putting a gentle hand on Alaska’s shoulder. ”But I think it was a good thing for Violet, and now she’s lost it. She’ll get over it soon enough, though.” 

”I never meant to hurt anyone,” Alaska says before she can stop herself, thoughts of Violet, Trixie and the hoards of Katya’s fans quickly flashing through her mind.

”No, I think it’s a good thing, for you and for Katya,” Fame says thoughtfully, and Alaska is suddenly reminded that Fame knows a different side to Katya. 

”Do we have your blessing then,” she says jokingly, but Fame regards her seriously for a moment and then nods. Then she smiles and kissed Alaska’s forehead. ”Go in peace, my child.”

Alaska rolls her eyes as Fame starts giggling, but she does feel a little bit better. 

She waits until after the show, and then slips into Violet’s dressing room. Violet turns around when she enters, and immediately looks apologetic. 

”I know,” she says, before Alaska has the chance to speak. ”I’ve been a bitch all night, I’m sorry. Fame’s already given me shit about it.” 

Alaska walks over and sits down next to her. She’s not sure if she should apologize too. 

”I’m happy for you both, though,” Violet continues, before she has the chance to say anything. ”I think you’ll be great together.”

It’s once again a repetition of what Alaska’s been told so many times now, and she still doesn’t have a clue what to respond. She’s getting tired of it. 

”I’m not sure if we are, but thanks.”

”Not sure if you’re what?” Violet’s voice has gone cold. 

”Together.”

”Alaska, I swear, if you’re just fucking with her…” she trails off when Alaska quickly shakes her head.

”No, it’s not like that, it’s just…” she sighs. ”We were friends, and then we had sex and we haven’t even seen each other since then. And everyone is assuming things, and I don’t know where they get that from, because I don’t even know what I know myself.” She’s not making sense, and she can’t believe she’s discussing this with Violet Chachki of all people. 

Violet rolls her eyes. ”Katya and I are friends who were having sex. The two of you are something completely different. The reason everyone assuming you’re together is because the two of you have been fucking inseparable for months. The reason there was a betting pool was because everyone knew it wasn’t a question of if, it was a question of when. Seriously, the only person doubting this epic fucking romance is you.” She cocks her head to the side thoughtfully. ”And probably Katya, because she’s an idiot when it comes to these things.”

”I don’t know, it’s just me freaking out, though,” Alaska says, choosing to ignore everything else Violet said, because she can’t deal with that right now. ”Katya seems to be fine with the whole situation.”

Violet looks at her with what Alaska can’t determine is contempt, pity or compassion. ”Yeah, that’s the thing about Katya, though,” she says. ”You know how on season 7 she was practically on the verge of a nervous breakdown the entire fucking time?” 

Alaska nods. 

”Didn’t show,” Violet says. ”At all. She had one tiny slip, when she thankfully talked to Fame, but even that most of us didn’t notice. I didn’t know about it until I saw the episode. She just kept it inside, and had panic attacks in her hotel room at night instead. Don’t let her do that now. Because she’ll drive herself insane before telling anyone about it.”

Alaska doesn’t know what to say. She feels like she needs to go away and have a bit of a panic attack herself in private. It must show on her face, because Violet puts her hand over Alaska’s. 

”She really likes you, Alaska,” she says softly. 

”I really like her too,” Alaska says, and rises, because she really does need to get out of here, and just be alone for even five minutes. 

”Oh, and Alaska,” Violet says sweetly as she’s leaving, ”Katya is one of the best people I know. If you consciously hurt her, I will fucking end you.”

Alaska doesn’t doubt that for a second, just as she didn’t doubt Ginger or Trixie when they told her the same thing. She would find it weird, how someone as strong and independent as Katya brings out such a fierce streak of protectiveness in so many people, if it wasn’t for the fact it brings out the exact same thing in her too. 

So she just nods in response to Violet’s threat, and closes the door behind her. 

It’s another week before she and Katya manages to be in the same city at the same time. They’re doing different shows and are booked at different hotels, but well, Alaska pretty much considers Katya’s hotel rooms her own by now. Katya’s already texted her to let her know she’s back from her show, so when she knocks on the door, she knows Katya will answer. 

The door opens, and there’s Katya, out of drag, frowning at her. 

”Sorry,” she says, ”I didn’t order room service.” 

Alaska just shakes her head and pushes her aside to get into the room. ”And to think that I was actually looking forward to see you,” she says, but can’t resist smiling when Katya puts her arms around her. 

”Missed you,” Katya mumbles into her shoulder, and then they’re kissing. It would be so easy, to just keep on kissing Katya, to fall into bed with her again, just forget about everything else until tomorrow morning when they have to leave for different destinations again. But Alaska knows she won’t be able to stand the uncertainty of the days and weeks after that, the constant wondering and anxiety about what they are to each other. So she reluctantly pulls away from Katya’s kiss. 

”We should talk.”

Katya’s smile falters a little. ”Okay.” 

Alaska leads her over the bed, waiting for Katya to sit down before sitting down next to her. 

”I need you to be honest with me.”

”Oh, God,” Katya says, looking slightly ill. ”Those words have never been the start of a good conversation.”

”I need to know that your feeling are about this…” she gestures between herself and Katya, not knowing how to describe it, ”… this whole thing with you and me. Because I want this. I want this to be a proper relationship.” 

Katya is looking at her intently, but her face doesn’t reveal any particular emotion and Alaska needs her to understand this. She takes Katya’s hand. 

”I didn’t even know how much I wanted this, and I’m freaking out because I have no clue how you feel about it. You’re always so vocal and open about things and I know all about your thoughts on caramel popcorn and the electoral system and white feminism and eyebrows and everything apart from this. And I don’t know if that’s because you don’t care or if you’re freaking out. But if it’s because you don’t really care, then just tell me now. Because if that’s the case, I can’t do this anymore with you.” 

She can’t bear to look at Katya, so she closes her eyes. But Katya doesn’t say anything. 

”Any minute now, Katya,” she says, tensely. 

”Yeah,” Katya says quietly, ”I just need to process the fact that you’re not breaking up with me.” 

Alaska opens her eyes, and the tense expression on Katya’s face softens.

”Scared shitless,” she confesses with a trembling smile. ”Scared completely and utterly shitless.” 

They’re still holding hands, Alaska realizes when Katya’s hand tightens around hers. 

”I want this too. And I don’t know how, because every relationship I’ve had has been short and fucked up. You deserve so much more, and I think we could be more, but I’m so terrified of fucking up.” 

Katya takes a deep breath and looks to the ceiling before meeting Alaska’s eyes again. 

”I like you so much, Alaska, I always have. Since before I even knew you. And I’m still a little bit amazed that we’re actually friends, let alone more than that.”

”I didn’t know,” Alaska says faintly, because she had no idea. 

Katya smiles. ”I’ve said it a million times, you know,” she says. ”You’re my favorite.” 

Alaska smiles back at her, and things start to fall into place. She kisses Katya’s hand before releasing it. 

”I think we’re probably going to fuck this up so badly,” she says as she gently pushes Katya down until she’s lying on her back on the bed. ”But I also think that we can probably trust ourselves to manage to unfuck it when we do.” 

She climbs on top of Katya until she’s straddling her with her legs on either side of Katya’s hips. She’s suddenly feeling on top of things, in more ways that one. It’s going to be okay. They’re going to be okay. Because as long as they’re both freaking out, they’re on the same page. And she can work with that. Judging from the way Katya is grinning up at her, she feels the same way. 

”Because this is the thing, Katya,” she says, leaning down to kiss her thoroughly, shivering slightly when Katya’s hands tighten on her hips. ”You’re my favorite too.”


End file.
